Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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