the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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