You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Everything about him screamed your future.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
