elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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