I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
