I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
