I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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