i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
