If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
