I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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