White coat. Heels.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
