I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
