She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
