"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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