why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
