I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
