my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
