MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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