I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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