I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
