Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
