Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
