don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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