My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
