we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
