In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize