Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
