I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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