The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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