Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
