Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
