i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
