yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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