I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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