I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
