the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
