I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
