Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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