____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im holly from the hills drunk
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
