If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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