I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Welp...herpes.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize