Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
