Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
