Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
