call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
They have beer where we have blood.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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