I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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