This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
