Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
