Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize