I need to stop coming to work sober
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
