Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize