I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She's JV to your varsity
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
