he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Say something about gay babies.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
