so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Can I color on your dick again?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
