i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
