At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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