The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
