Your dad touched me again.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
