I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
