Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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