Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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