I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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