theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
BRING THE BAGELS
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
