Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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