I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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