I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
