OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize