I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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